someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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