By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
