Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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