Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
