The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
