Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
