Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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