God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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