i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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