i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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