if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Randomize
