I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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