i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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