I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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