I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
