if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
