Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
