i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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