Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize