I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
