On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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