I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
