i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
