I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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