i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Swine flu is the new snow day.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
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