Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
