I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
