On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
