On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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