u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize