Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Randomize
