I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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