and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize