For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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