I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
