allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
