my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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