We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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