he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
