yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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