DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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