We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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