please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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