we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
