can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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