anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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