the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
