The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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