my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
