The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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