her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
