get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
