Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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