onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
