i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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