I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
