youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
