I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
