Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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