just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
