Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
If I die, sorry about rent.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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