someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
